Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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