I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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