You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
