He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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