I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
