awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
