I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
thus making me awesome and them whores
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
