You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
