i was rollin on her like bob the builder
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
