I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
