god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Randomize
