all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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