you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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