dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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