I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
