I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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