Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
