I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
