Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
