I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
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