Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
