I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
