I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
