So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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