I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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