I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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