I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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