Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwadâ€
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