I faked an abortion last night.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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