I cannot find my penis.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
