I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
