I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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