So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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