What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
