mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
