I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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