Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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