Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
