your parents love me but you hate me
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
