my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
