I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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