I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
