my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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