dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
