im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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