My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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