If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
