That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
