New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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