he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
