When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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